


I Had to Leave You To Find Me

by Calamiti



Category: I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston (Song)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23026801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamiti/pseuds/Calamiti
Summary: The heart that breaks may never fully heal but it will find love again.  Love is found in the most unusual of places.  The desire to chase it can fulfil you with so much pleasure.  Like a drug. Then like a drug; Love can lead you down a path of self destruction and shatter the foundations of your whole life.  Rachel was young and craving to be loved. Rachel thought that she had already experienced her first love, she never realised how hard and deep you can fall in love until it took years of recovery.  Rachel was too young to spot the unhealthy signs in her relationship and too emotionally starved to understand how to change things.





	I Had to Leave You To Find Me

Introduction:  
In the middle of typing a message on MSN about my experience of Australia so far to my school friends back home, my Dad shouts “Rach”, I opened the door and my Dad passed me the phone with a terrified look on his face. I took the phone from him feeling scared and wondering what could be so bad. It was my mum, “Rachel it’s me, your gran died. I’m sorry I can’t talk long it’s your pop’s phone bill and I have other people I need to phone.” I had so many questions, when? How? Where? What happened? How is this even possible I just spoke to her on Thursday? I looked up at the ceiling which felt like it was coming closer to my eyes and the walls drew closer to me, I bent over trying to catch a breath. I couldn’t. I ran from the office to the back garden straight towards the pool and dived in. I kept swimming to the bottom and wished I was a solid anchor heavy enough to just sink down to the bottom and disappear. The ache in my stomach felt like it was weighing down my vocal cords and choking me. The pain felt winding to the point that I could no longer bare it. I wanted to die. Unfortunately, with gravity I just kept floating to the top of the pool. I choked and spluttered and struggled to catch my breath and water was coming out my nose and my mouth and as I struggled. The pain in my sinuses and my throat with coughing out the water was minimal pain in comparison to the dull ache within. At fourteen this was a very unsuccessful and poor attempt at suicide, with no planning, research or any education on gravity. I dragged my exhausted body out of the pool and just lay there under the hot Australian sun. Tears ran down my cheeks in volumes. My body jerked with my gut wrenching sobs as the pain engulfed my body. I had the lyrics and music of Celine Dion’s song 'because you loved me' play over and over in my head as my tears poured out. After some time, my thoughts of disbelief filled me more and more. How on earth is this possible? I spoke to her on Thursday. She sounded fine. When I left for Australia her health was fine. On my journey to Australia I phoned her from every airport lounge to give an update. I gave her the low down on the movies I watched on the flights and the sweets from the air hostesses. I posted her photos and letters from my experience so far of the characters I met at Movie world. I phoned her about the rides I went on at Dream World and Sea World. I cannot understand how this has happened. I cannot grasp the idea that we just spoke, and she is now dead, gone, forever. My dad booked me on the first flight home to Scotland. It was a very long journey. No one to call or update from the airport lounges. No one to recommend movies to. No one interested. I realised then how alone I was, thousands of miles from home and surrounded by strangers. I felt abandoned, empty inside as though my stomach was a big gaping hole. Overcome and surrounded with sadness, exhaustion and dread. Dreading reality. Dreading the truth. Dreading seeing the heartbreak on all my families’ faces. Thirty-six hours of travelling, long haul flights and short connecting flights. I was finally on my last flight. Upon landing in Scotland, the Scottish accent of the airhostess voice across the tonoi telling us to fasten seat belts for landing made me feel the sense of belonging and relieved to be home and safe again. Tears of joy ran down my cheeks as the feelings of excitement and anticipation of seeing my mum set in. It wouldn’t be too much longer. I will be home with my Mum soon enough. As I exited the flight and made way to the luggage collection I felt filled with joy. I walked out scanning the room for my Mums face. The airport was quiet with very little people about. Suddenly she appeared and I ran up and wrapped my arms around her. I missed her. It hit me then how long the last two months of being away was actually a very long time. I didn't realise at the time. My days were so much fun, the time flew by. My mum was panicked and said, “C’mon hen, we need to hurry up, and Denise is outside waiting”. I felt all anxious and hurried along with my mum and my luggage. When we got in the car, I felt relaxed and content. I noticed the sadness in my Mum’s face. I started telling her all about my day trips to Movie World, Dream World and Sea World. I felt like I had so much to share with her I rambled on and suddenly, she just blurts out “Rachel will you shut up, my Mother has just died”. Her words cut through my stomach like a sharp razer. I cannot believe she just said that. My thoughts raced with: excuse me your mother is my gran, she raised me too supporting you as a single parent, the only person in this world that actually made me feel loved, wanted and cherished. This was all gone for me too. We all just sat in silence all the way home. From that day on everything just went wrong. 

Chapter One 

A Holiday Romance 

July 2003 my Mum and Stepdad whisked my friend Jess and I off to Majorca for a holiday. Sun, sea and sand for seven days. To say we were ecstatic was an understatement. We had our own room and my mum got us the adult’s all-inclusive band, so we were able to have alcohol (supervised of course). We made lots of friends from the very first day. We played pool games bombing into the water practically soaking every sun worshipper on site. I noticed a good-looking boy get in the pool with an adult male to play water tennis. He was tall and tanned with big brown eyes. He wore a black cap and seemed all so mysterious. He didn’t socialise with any of the other teenagers. He just sunbathed with his family and occasionally came into the pool with one of them. At that age chat tends to turn to the opposite sex and Toni, one of the girls we met who was also from Scotland asked me if I fancied anyone. I pointed to him sunbathing in his black cap. Toni then admitted she too fancied him. I was gutted. Toni told me his name was Jake and he was seventeen. I felt the little green goblin of jealousy creep up inside me and I just thought no way is this fair. I walked away back to my sun lounger and offloaded my woe’s to Jess. That night we went for dinner at the hotel restaurant then entered the entertainment room for the evening’s show. Our table was close to Jake's. I could see Jake sitting there all tanned with his white T-shirt on, dinking beer and watching the show. He tanned so well. His skin was golden brown and his hair was almost black with a slick hair style. I realised then that I really fancied him, and I would be gutted if he got with Toni. Each evening all the young team (teenagers 16+) gathered on the terrace. We all sat round the plastic resort tables and entertained ourselves with the usual chat or slagging match. The boys started fishing from the girls who they found attractive and when it was my turn, I was honest. See that boy down there sitting with his family, I like him, and Toni does too. Suddenly about three of the boys were shouting from the balcony ‘come up and join us Jake’. I choked on my vodka pineapple and my eyes almost popped out my head. It felt humiliating to say the least. I started worrying that they would tell him and I would look stupid because lets be honest Toni is a lot more attractive than me, and she has boob's. Jake was nowhere to be seen and I was relieved. I wanted to get to know him but not like this. The resort was doing a Grease performance and I thought hey maybe he is enjoying the show I mean who doesn’t like Grease, I peeped over to catch a snippet of the show and it was just two Thomas cook holiday reps singing Grease songs on the karaoke. Why was he not coming up? Maybe he has a girlfriend. Actions speak louder than words and Jake did'nt come across as though he was fussed in socialising with us. I decided it would be best to forget about him. But I couldn't. I participated in the games but i couldn't stop glancing over by the stairs just hoping he would be standing there. As the evening progressed i caught Andy saying 'hey Jake mate, come join us. I look over to the top of the stairs and my god, what a sight. My stomach was full of vodka and pineapple fluttering away like a butterfly’s wings on a dance floor. He walked over slowly. I could sense a little shyness and awkwardness in him, but I could sense he was trying to mask this vulnerability. He smiled at me and said ‘Aup’ to everyone. Pardon? I introduced myself and asked what Aup meant? He explained this is a casual hello where he is from. After ten minutes in his presence I understood why he never interacted with any of the young team. Jake was shy, I mean extremely shy. I have never known anyone this shy before. For me though this was never going to be an issue, my nick name was little miss chatterbox at primary school and I constantly get punishment exercises in lessons for my constant chit chat. I asked where he was from and how old he was and if he was still at school. Jack chatted away and we both had a wee giggle while we got to know one another. Toni arrived on the scene, but she was holding hands with Chris. Toni's face dropped when she seen Jake sitting beside me. Toni came over with Chris to meet Jake. It was very awkward for both chis and me. For the rest of the evening we all played party games and some drinking games till the evening came to an end (curfew). We all said our goodbyes and I as I was leaving I suggested to Jake that he should join us tomorrow night. Jake said 'yeah, might do'. Jess and I walked back to our hotel room as I gushed over meeting Jake. The following day after breakfast Jess and I went to get a sun lounger. Jake came over to say hello. I could tell he was a little nervous. It made my day. When he walked away Jess said he fancies you Rach. I wish. Just getting to know him felt elating. Jake and I spoke in the pool that day, general chit chat. I asked if he was joining us all tonight again and he said ‘yeah, maybe’. I tried not to get too excited or keep my hopes up. That evening, again Jake took his time to come up. When he did, he walked right towards me and sat beside me. We were all chatting and playing party games again. Jake and I continued chatting until it just seemed to be us two. I was delighted because I continually had to repeat myself with this Scottish accent. The poor boy would look at me as if I was speaking Chinese. Jake was telling me all about his love for football and that he played for a good team back in Sheffield. I told Jake my Dad was a football player, he played for our local team at home in Kilmarnock and then Leicester City as a youth player before he went to Australia to play. Jake and I spoke a lot about football, he laughed when I told him that in 2000, I was playing hide and seek throughout the stadium while my Dad and my friends Dads were training Brazil on the grounds below. I made him laugh when I told him my Dad was trying to get me to ask Ronaldo to sign a Brazil shirt for my cousin back home in Scotland and I went nuts at him because he was giving away my hiding place. As the evening progressed and curfew time was fast approaching it was time to say our goodbyes. Jake helped me find Jess who was having a blast with the young team that I never even got pulled up from ditching her so much to chat to Jake. Jake walked us back to our room, Jess went inside. Jake and I looked at one other. Is he going to kiss me? Then he came in closer and I reach out and we kissed. French kissed. I didn’t want to stop. We said our goodbyes and I walked through my hotel room door, peeked out and watched his tall handsome figure walk away. I closed the door and my stomach was still flipping out and fluttering and I couldn’t wipe the smile of my face. I had never felt this lustful ever. He was a great kisser, soft lips, not too moist and just the right amount of tongue. As I got ready for bed, I felt like I was floating. Jess and I lay there chatting away about who she fancied, and I told her all about Jake. The next morning, we went for breakfast and Jake and his family were in the restaurant. I could see his Mum looking over and smiling. It was so awkward I could feel the heat in my chest flow right to my cheeks. We sat down and had some breakfast. Walking out the restaurant it coincidently was at the same time as Jake and his family. Our families greeted one another we all said our hello’s and although I am a very outgoing and confident person, I felt so embarrassed. Jess and I walked over to our sunbeds and Jake sat for a little bit and chatted. I could see Jess having a little giggle to herself because I had to speak so posh to Jake otherwise, he had no idea what I was saying. That day when we were all playing games by the pool Jakes’ Mum sat on the side of the pool and put her feet in the water, she started asking me where I was from in Scotland, she was really nice, her name was Beth. Jake’s Dad was quite quiet, his face was red with the sun and when the young team bombed in the pool and splashed him it got redder but bless him, he never said anything to us. Whereas my Mum pulled me aside one day and gave me a gruelling because I was part of the crew ruining everyone’s holiday with our shenanigans by the pool. I was told to get a grip and start sunbathing so I could go home with at least a little tan. I felt like a little naughty child after that gruelling. I took a step back from the pool carry on, but it was so hot. Jess and I just sat by the edge and chilled. Jake stepped in and joined us, and I could feel my heart pounding out my chest. “Aup, its hot isn’t it” and he sat with us for a while chatting away. Jake was a nice boy. He was shy, polite, friendly, his voice was quite quiet, and he laughed away at Jess and me. We were having a little light-hearted fun, I was winding her up about being a tart for snogging a couple of the boys, especially as one was not a looker. We sat in the pool that day giggling away. In the evening that night Jake joined us all a lot earlier. We headed out of the resort that night and over to the Karaoke bar across from the hotel. Jess put my name up to sing, I really didn’t want to, not In front of Jake. My name got called up and my mouth went so dry that I couldn’t swallow. I took the mic and told the DJ “I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor’. The music started and I couldn’t even see Jake, Jess, Christ or Toni so I just went for it like it was Friday night at our friend Stef’s bar. I could hear whistles when I was singing and when it ended everyone applauded. I walked back to my table and the crew were clapping and Jake was sitting clapping he came up to me and gave me a kiss. I was elated. Jess told me Jake was amazed at my voice and I felt high as a kite. We had a great time in the Karaoke bar. Chris and Toni were together, Jess and Andy and Jake and me. I’m not sure who suggested skinny dipping in the sea that night, but we all stripped down and ran in to the ocean. I took Jakes hand and as the water got deeper, I moved closer to Jake and I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He was so tall; we were a lot further out and away from the other couples. In the warm sea under the moon and the stars my lips were on his, his hands were on my ass pulling me close to him. My whole body was tingling. Being so close to him in that moment I wanted to feel him closer. I could hear Jess shouting and they were all back on the beach putting their clothes on and heading back to the hotel. I shouted that we would catch up. Jake and I eventually made our way out of the water and put our clothes back on. I realised in what could be quite a shy and awkward situation it felt so natural and comforting. We were both dressed, and our intentions were to catch up with everyone else, but we just enjoyed being alone. We sat on the same sun lounger with his arms around me discussing who our first kiss was with and what age, and if we had had relationships before or if there was anyone at home we fancied. I asked who his favourite band was, and he said The Drifters. I could not believe what I just heard, I couldn’t breathe, I said THE DRIFTERS?, as in ‘little red book’ , I’ll take you home’ and he started naming ‘your more than a number in my little red book’. Well right there and then I was convinced that he was my soul mate. We were teenagers in the era of Black-Eyed Peas and Timberlake, and Girls Aloud and our favourite band was the 1960’s soul group The Drifters. I felt stunned and delighted. Jake and I had so much in common and the way I felt for him was intense after a short time. I kept asking how this connection can be happening, we will probably never see each other again. I woke up suddenly, I had fallen asleep in his arms, I woke Jake and he said the time was 3am. The fear in both of us as we ran back to the Hotel to face our parents. I knew my mum was going to kill me. At home I get grounded if I come home ten minutes past my curfew. Jake ran with me to the lobby where my door was, we kissed goodbye and I ran in to the hotel room and put my nighty on. Boom! The door wacked the wall as my mum came stomping in. ‘Where have you been to this time in the morning’. I could see the rage on her face, I was terrified. ‘I was with Jake’. What were you doing with Jake?’ ‘Nothing’. ‘Let me see your knickers then’. I shouted, ‘I swear to god I haven’t had sex’ and no I will not show you my knickers’. Who even says shit like that. I should have said they will be in the dirty wash basket in two days’ time if you want a sniff, but you don’t mess with my mother, she takes no prisoners. I seen Jake the next morning he asked if I was okay. I told him my mum went crazy last night and informed him I was in the bad books. I asked if he got caught, he said his sister let him in and his Dad asked where he was over breakfast. Jake was seventeen though, and he wasn’t at School, he worked full time as an apprentice electrician, so his parents were probably a lot more lenient than mine given the circumstances. Jake sat with us for a while and laughed when I told him my mother’s outrageous request. I avoided my mother like the plaque that day, I could see her disapproving look every time she looked my way. It was my second last night though and I was relieved that she didn’t shorten the curfew or worse. That evening Jess and I had dinner early and went for a rather long nap, I was in the middle of getting ready and there was a chap at the door. It was Jake, Jess let him in. He wondered where I was. He sat on the bed talking away to us as we got ready. For me I was delighted he was there. I couldn’t stop looking at him relaxing on the bed waiting on me my while I finished my makeup. He was probably the sexiest human being I had ever seen at age sixteen. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him and back in his arms. Last night was the most romantic night of my life, it was a shame it ended with a gruelling from my mum. As we approached the young team with our drinks in hand, we got under way with the party games. It was nice to see Jake more relaxed and participating more with everyone. Tonight’s agenda was to smoke bomb in the pool after the Entertainment ended at 10pm. We were young, and although the hotel clearly stated no swimming after 9pm we thought we would live a little. At around 11pm we all headed down to the pool all excited and scared at the same time; we all stripped to our undies and jumped in. The resort was empty everyone was away to bed. We swam around and had a laugh. Everyone started getting out and Jake and I stayed in. After some time, we were all alone, my legs round his waist and his hands on my ass. We were kissing and I felt his hand move my thong to one side and his fingers slide inside of me, his fingers thrusted quicker and quicker, my walls were craving more of him. My hand reached down for his cock and I could feel him hard and throbbing as I stroked him faster and faster. We were both in an optimal state of arousal, I could feel his heart pounding and his breath quicken. We kissed gently as we both gained our breath back. Jess shouted from the balcony Rach its after midnight. Jake and I jumped out the pool, got clothed and ran up the stairs to my hotel lobby. We stopped for a moment for a passionate kiss good night, hugged and said our goodbyes. Oh, my was I falling for this boy and it was almost my last day and night being with him. My last morning approached and I dragged my sad little ass out of bed and looked in the mirror. My skin was glowing with my sun kissed tan and my light brown high lights had lightened more. I had lost more weight on holiday than I had before the holiday. It was so hot that year. I lost my appetite and my lust for Jake had my tummy in all sorts. Jess and I got ready and went down for a sun lounger. Jakes towel was there where him and his family normally sit, but Jake was nowhere to be seen. Later that day my mum told me she was sitting next to Jake and his family at breakfast. I could feel the embarrassment fill my stomach and the fear creep in. What has she said? I was scared to look up from my sun lounger that whole day. That night Jack chapped our door again and waited on us getting ready. The three of us went down to the empty restaurant and got some of the ice cream filled profiterole’s, they were delicious. Jess was asking if we were going to stay in touch and I guess we both thought yeah, why not. Jake was asking what time we were leaving tomorrow. Leaving just felt so surreal. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want this holiday ever to end. Jake still had another week to go. I couldn’t help but think ‘Toni is here for another week, what if they finally get together?’. I was gutted. After desert we joined the rest of the gang on the balcony, over that week the crew slowly dwindled down in numbers with friends departing. It was always sad saying goodbye and tomorrow it would be our turn. Jess and Andy were in a deep conversation that evening, and Jake and I decided to go for a walk together, hand in hand. As we walked, we talked some more about how meeting one another being amazing, we were both mesmerised to feel the way we did with so little time and an ending staring us in the face. He asked me about School, and I filled him in on my plans to go to university, he said ‘I’ve heard there is a very good university in Sheffield you know’. My heart melted. This amazing person has made me feel so special. I loved being with him. Why did we have to live so far apart, it felt unfair. We spent the evening alone together, walking, talking and stopping now and again to kiss. When we got back to the hotel and the resort was empty. We sat on a sun lounger hidden under tree’s and spoke about our favourite Drifters songs and debated what the best songs of the collection were. We kissed and I could feel my connection to Jake intensify. This overwhelming electric current penetrating through us and pulling us closer together, it was breath taking. Jakes fingers are inside me thrusting against my walls, his lips on mine, I reach for his cock and I stroke while pulling him towards me, in that moment I wanted him inside of me, I wanted to feel connected to him on a deeper level, I looked at Jake and I gave him permission, he reached in his pocket and brought out the condom, as he opened it and put it on his erection vanished. Jake persisted but the moment was gone. I didn’t need to say anything, it just wasn’t meant to be. I think Jake felt embarrassed, I felt gutted. You dream of the most perfect first time and what would have been more perfect than this week together ending with a loving, passionate embrace. With the moment gone, the reality of curfew set in again and it was time for me to head back to my room. Jake didn’t want to let me go, he walked me to my door. We kissed quietly and said good night a million times, then he asked for a quick drink, I gave him some water and he sat on my bed. Jess was fast asleep snoring away; we were both giggling at her disgruntled sleeping expression. I sat on my bed beside Jake and I lay down, he lay down facing me and pulled me closer to him. I woke with a jolt and the sun was out, it was 5am. We had fallen asleep again. We kissed goodbye and Jake sneaked out the door and back to his hotel room. Jess was still snoring away. I climbed back into bed, but it wasn’t the same. I missed him. That morning when I woke again, I got up with a heavy heart and packed all my belongings. I reminded myself that this is what holiday romances are, I guess. You get attached and then sadly you have to say goodbye. I wasn’t little miss chatty that day, I felt sad inside. At breakfast Jake’s mum Beth approached our table and asked if we have had a lovely holiday, she said ‘I said to your Mum the other day Rachel is welcome to Sheffield anytime she like’s”. His mum was so lovely. I knew my mum though, that would never happen. My mum wasn’t keen on me having boyfriends, my mum was all about education. Jake joined Jess and I and walked us up to the foyer where everyone leaving was gathering. Jake walked me to the bus entrance, we exchanged little pieces of paper with our detail, kissed and hugged good bye. I got on the bus, sat at the window and waved goodbye as the bus drove away. Tears trickled down my face. I whispered goodbye Jake, thank you. Jess gave me a cuddle and comforted me. As friends we have known each other for over eight years. Jess knew I had never fallen this hard before. Jake was different.

Chapter 2

Home sweet Home

I reminisced of my time in Majorca with Jake. Jess and I filled all our friends in of all the laughs. Any day now our exam results were coming and then it would be back to school and back to normal life. Jake would soon be just a memory. That thought filled me with so much sadness. I hadn’t felt that special in someone’s eyes since the day my beloved gran passed away. I reminisced again of Jake. My exam results came and I was delighted. I had achieved higher grades than I imagined, and I was elated. The only person I wanted to tell was Jack. It had been a week and I hadn’t contacted him or heard from him, but I knew he would only be returning from his holiday. At first, I felt reluctant to text him, we lived over 300 miles from one another. He was English, I was Scottish, Braveheart and all that. Later that day I gave in and typed in his number and send a message about my exam results. He messaged back straight away, my tummy fluttered, and my smile was beaming. He was delighted to hear from me, he had sent a couple of messages, but I had obviously given him a wrong digit. With that response and the happiness inside from just hearing from him I knew I couldn’t let him go. My mum was very proud of me for achieving good results and she wanted to treat me to a lovely gesture, after a few days of thought I asked her for flights to Sheffield. My mum contacted Jakes mum Beth and for my October school holiday I would be going down to Sheffield to see Jake. Oh the excitement!! 

TBC


End file.
